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Chris
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 2:47 pm    Post subject: Jokes Reply with quote

On the old version of Complete Fisher we had a dedicated joke thread and following a request to bring it back, I'm proud to present to you:


The Joke Thread!

Please add your best (and worst!) offerings Laughing
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Last edited by Chris on Thu Feb 21, 2008 8:52 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Chris
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 2:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind
you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly
dangerous situation?




Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round
Laughing
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ChrisNicholls
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 3:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and al the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Emilie. Mike, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon.
Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"My dad said, stay the f... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss.
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."
"Well, It was my first day with the hook."
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK.... so there we have FINE examples of "Worst".. so has anyone got a good one for me that doesn't end with a punch line like "mild hairy lip-squid"
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 3:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just for you AV:

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of
a sudden a light flashes on them . . it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her
face!".
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 3:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q. Why do Scots Males have their toes amputated at Birth?..

A. SO THEY CAN STAND CLOSER TO THE BAR


Q. Why do Welsh Males have their toes amputated at Birth?.

A. SO THEY CAN STAND CLOSER TO THE BAA


Cool

ready and waiting for it... Rolling Eyes
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 4:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Local Mayor sees a Gorilla climbing up the flagpole outside his office, he calls the zoo and asks "have you lost a Gorilla?"

"Yes" says the zoo-keeper, "we'll send the gorilla-catcher round right away".

Gorilla catcher arrives at town hall, meets the Mayor, opens his van and pulls out hand-cuffs, baseball-bat, shotgun and a nasty Jack Russell terrier.

He hands the mayor the shotgun telling him "i'm going to shin up the flagpols and smack the Gorilla on the hands. He'll drop down to the ground and at this point the terrier (who is fed on testicles) will go for the Gorilla.

As soon as the gorrilla puts his hands on his savaged nuts, slap the handcuffs on him!"

The Mayor nods and watches the man scale the flag pole, then shouts up at him "hey, what shall I do with the shotgun?"

The Gorilla catcher shouts back "oh yes, nearly forgot... if I fall first, shoot the dog!"
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 7:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I went fishing the other day and caught a human brain,
I cant remember the last time i did that i really had to cast my mind back.
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

rad wrote:
I went fishing the other day and caught a human brain,
I cant remember the last time i did that i really had to cast my mind back.



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PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I broke my neck as a Kid, never looked back since Cool
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 12:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wouldn't dream of pinching it but if you haven't seen it already have a look at the joke posted by Riverlady in Fred's thread on the other forum.

Sheer class Very Happy

http://www.flyforums.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5920
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 12:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

"Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?"

"Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

3 Oold laddies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly are sitting in the park when a flasher approaches. He stands in front of the old ladies, Opens his trench coat and exposes himself.
Gertrude immediataly has a stroke, then maude also has a stroke. But tilly being a bit older and feebler then the other two, cant reach that far
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